Hot Take: romantic love is not superior to platonic love

Photo Credit: Arik Cardenas

I have this conversation on a regular basis with so many of my friends--both partnered and not. Don't get me wrong, romantic love is a wonderful, beautiful thing that has existed for all of time. I also observe that the institution of marriage and over-emphasis of monogamous partnership is largely rooted in misogyny and the transition away from tribal or communal living to the development of the nuclear family.

Of course romantic love was heavily emphasized during times when women had little to no sociopolitical power. Remember, we were just barely granted access to our own bank accounts in the 1960-70s which was basically yesterday.

Finding a romantic partner was crucial in order for women to have access to social capital (respect as a Mrs.), physical safety (a home) and financial means (the Mr's bank account). Religious and cultural influences heavily encouraged partnership as a means to reproduction--the supposed pinnacle of womanhood. IMO, childbirth is literally one of the most incredible things a human body can do--and people are allowed to have other aspirations that deem them just as worthy.

I say this as a reminder to those of us who have been raised within the "Say yes to the dress"-knight in shining armor-fairytale wedding-era, particularly as the Trad-Wife narrative slips back into popularity.

This is less of a reflection about whether or not an individual chooses to pursue romantic relationships--do your thing! It's more of a plea for us to remember that there are meaningful relationships beyond one single individual who is expected to offer us everything we need in life--an impossible requirement.

I hope that Kula can serve as a space to explore meaningful relationships beyond (or in addition to!) romantic connection. A place where we learn to diversify our reliance on one another through emphasizing the practice of mutual aid that challenges transactional behavior and leans into the reciprocity of serving and receiving.

To me, this is much more sustainable anyway! We are all exhausted from the constant demands of the world. It's unfair to expect one person (who may be yourself) to always have the capacity to show up. Developing a sense of community can feel just as vulnerable as going on those first couple dates. At the same time, we know that some risk, practice, and messiness is inherent in the pursuit of meaning and fulfillment.

Keep your lovers! And perchance, share that never ending well of love with as many people as you can. Join us After Hours or after class to cultivate a broader sense of support. And hopefully, cultivate that love beyond the confines of Kula too!

Forehead kisses to all <3

*this short reflection is not meant to be comprehensive. There are countless perspectives and nuanced conversations we could have about monogamy, polyamory, tribal living, the influence of religion and politics on modern relationships and reproduction, misogyny, the patriarchy, and the intersection of existing within capitalism while inhabiting various identities. As always I love to hear from you and learn more than I originally knew when I wrote this!